Who am I? Maintaining Your Identity

As young women we have an idea of who we are, what we want to be, and what we want to accomplish by a certain time and/or age in our lives. These goals and ideas will most likely change as we get older, as life happens, or as we achieve them and have to make new ones. But what happens when you wake up one day as a single parent, a wife or both wife and mother and you realized that you have not accomplished any of your goals and dreams and you realized life has just passed you by.

This scenario has happened to me. I have had many dreams and goals. I have accomplished a few of them and some of them have been revamped. But it wasn’t until I watched my husband and a close friend of his start their own business (World Record Basketball) that I realized that I lost my identity. I looked at my husband coming home from work (when I’m up anyway) and see the excitement in his eyes and the passion he has for kids and basketball. I can hear the enthusiasm in his voice as he talks about and dream about how things are going, how they are going to be and where they plan on taking this business. It’s extremely exciting and I find myself trying to fit myself into his world. Do you need an assistant, who’s going to manager this, whatever it is I’m trying to see how I can fit in his business? I know if someone refers to my husband it would not be as a father or a husband, but a business man. When I thought of how someone would describe me it would be as a wife and a mother. That’s how I started to think of myself. But why and is that it? Am I only going to be know as the business man’s wife and the mother of his kids? What happened to all my dreams and goals? I realized that I was a working mother of two and a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that and that should certainly be enough, but it’s not. I want my dreams, goals and aspirations as well. I want to feel like I’m someone beyond the household.

So now what? I realized that I know longer exist, that I am just someone’s mom and someone’s wife and I have a daily (boring) routine that re-emphasizes this every day. How do I get myself back and maintain myself? I decided to stop. I didn’t stop being a mom or a wife, I stopped trying to fit myself into his and their (kids) lives. I started to use every available time (like the commute to and from work) to think about me and all the things I wanted to accomplish. Once I did that, I wrote them down and I also wrote down why I wanted these things. I then started to figure out a plan on how to smoothly (key word smoothly) integrate this into my life. I run the “me” side of my life like a business and I am the CEO/Founder/Owner. I make sure my personal assistant (my PDA) has all my important dates, thoughts, and meetings. I set aside time twice a month for my programs and/or writings. I realize that I don’t have to work on everything at the same exact time and as long as it’s getting accomplished and progressing I am maintaining and growing me (my identity).

It is so important that we don’t get lost in our day to day routine. It’s so easy to neglect our dreams while we allow others to pursue theirs or as we provide for our little ones. If your dream is to be a mom and wife that is great and there is nothing wrong with that. Be the best mom and wife you can be. However, I know for me that was never my dream and goal, but it is apart of who I am now so I have to adjust my identity to fit that and not let that dictate my identity.

Stay Blessed,

F.P.E.

Going Back to Work

As you all may know, I got married a year ago and it change my world. I instantly moved from a single working woman, to wife, step mom, and working women. If that wasn't enough, I topped it all off by having my wonderful baby boy in August. I recently went back to work and I'm doing a lot better this week. Last week was extremely tough for me. Although my husband works in the evening, therefore he is with the baby during the day, I felt that my presence was needed. The first day I was teary eyed leaving the house, the second and third day was better, but that fourth day was the hardest. I cried all morning and could not get it together. How do I manage having approximately 4-5 hours with my entire family a night and manage to get myself together. The realization of this was so depressing and overwhelming. How do women do this?

I find that the above comment is a serious concern for many women, whether they are a new parent, new wife, or have a new job. Growing up, and even recently, I hear repeatedly that women cannot have it all. If she has a successful career, then her home was lacking, if she had a successful home, then her career was lacking. I on the other hand refused to believe we cannot have both at the same time. Now that I'm in that situation, I wonder if I should eat my words. I strongly believe that we women can have it all and be successful. If you are a woman who wants it all, don't want it all, or just want a piece of it, then this blog can be for you. Please feel free to join in with your response to my blogs on your feelings, concerns, and issues about being All Women.

After talking with close friends and family, I needed to take a step back and seriously evaluate the situation. I did not want to continue to feel sad and overwhelmed about everything on my plate and I did not want to fall into depression. That was not going to help me, my situation, or my family. I was given some great advice from friends and family and I would like to share them with you. We women have to be willing to take a break so that we can evaluate the situation with and objective mind. We do not want to lose ourselves in this process.

We women give so much to others but put ourselves last. Our nurturing spirit allows this to be very easy for us. However, it also allows us to feel bad, and selfish when attempting to do something for ourselves. We need to understand that our well being is most important, because if we are not happy then we can't get the job done and others around us will be unhappy. My first step to getting my sanity back was committing to changing my eating lifestyle. I have a healthy weight in mind and I'm determined to achieve it. By doing this, I have to cook more (I hate cooking) and be more conscience of what I'm putting into my body. I decided to do weekly menus. This helps me tremendously because now I know what I want to pick up at the grocery store and I don't have to worry about what to eat. I also, get my clothes ready for the week on Sunday nights, this prevent me from wasting time in the morning having to think about what I need to wear. I also incorporated a little beauty regimen so I can feel sexy. I get my eyebrows done once a month. It is important that we remember to do something special for ourselves. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant and expensive, just something to make you feel good about yourself.

Now, the above ideas are not the end all be all, and I do not swear by this. This is what has been working for me and my family it may not work for you and yours, but be willing to find what will work for your individual personality and family. Remember Life happens, we get sick, we get tired, and we can't accomplish all that we set out to do, so don't beat yourself up for not getting things done. Flexibility is another item I have implemented in my routine.